I ought to have mentioned this before, but instead I'll just tell you now at the eleventh hour-

I am taking up the 24-hour-comic challenge today!

That's right, this afternoon I begin a comic.  Exactly 24 hours later, I stop, finished or not.

I have to make 24 pages, COMPLETE, in this time. 

I'll be scanning in and posting the pages on my Deviantart account as I finish them.

Wish me luck!

Apparently, some spoons are evil.

I did it.  I called to get help.  I did.  And there IS help for my problems.  And I did it all on my own.

Me. 

I can do this.

Suddenly the best birthday ever.

Here's a truth-

There are some things that are really wrong with me.  PTSD is the worst.  Something happened in my childhood, something terrible.  I don't remember it.

I haven't found a councelor yet who I feel comfortable with. 

There are terrible moments.  People have had my back during these times, helped me through what can only be called psychotic episodes.  This includes you people.

So, thank you. 

Apprently, asking someone to show up for the time of your birth (2:03pm) is extremely demanding.

Silly me.

All I have to say is that my GF can just fuck herself.

I love her, but fuck it.  I'm too busy for the drama.  She she can get onboard or leave.  In the meantime, I'm going to get laid, live my life,  and she can do as she pleases.

And there you go.

Warning, dorky science ahead.

This is one of those pseudo-science what-ifs that can be used to make interesting worlds.

Artificial and gravity and intertial control.

What if we could take motion, and the potential of motion, and treat it like water?

Water can more fast and slow in a small area.  It can be dammed and directed. 

Space ships often have "inertial dampeners" that prevent passengers from being smeared like toothpaste over the walls when a the ship is moving.

If you could "dam up" the inertia, or prevent it from acting upon the passengers (think about how we can walk about normally on a airplane going over 1,000 kph), you could prevent the squishy results of 10gs acelleration.

If it's damed up, then you have to send the energy somewhere.  Perhaps it powers the energy core?  Or maybe it's used to increase the ship's potential inertia to over the speed of light, skipping the whole Inifite Mass Singularity thing.

Yes, Geeky and mostly handwavium, but it SOUNDS real!

First up, this is not a whine journal.  I'm telling the story of what's going on in my life.  For the first time, really.

GF and I have a joint bank account.  I am the one who included her.  we did it because I have problems sometimes with numbers and a budget, and we would work together to maintain it.  Sounds good.

There was a problem with paperwork (their fault) that could have lead to real problems. She brought up giving her Power of Attorney over the account. 

After everything I've been through in life, this was NOT the thing to say.  I immidiatly said NO!  And she kept on trying to tell me what it was about!  I was freaked by the idea of doing that.  She got offended that I jumped at her(over the phone).

I snipped, but I DON'T want to give power of attourney to ANYONE.  She thinks it's about trust.  No.  If we did that, it would, at least to me, ruin whatever balance we have left.  I would feel like she had something on me, and everything would fall apart faster then it is.

Lj is a Goddess-gift.  If I didn't have this forum, I don't know how I'd do this.



And now-


Two things.  One, I am eventually leaving Ohio.  There is no community for me here.  Friends yes, but very few people like me.  And quite frankly, they treated me like shit because I don't plan to get an operation.  I find myself speculating on where my soul lies.

Second, I am seperate from my lifestyle.  I seem to be missing the bi-poly from my bi-poly-pagan-geek self.  I know very little, and I really want to start living who I am more throughly.  Advice is requested, and welcome.

Blessed Be.

I am a REAL PERSON!

I have the right to be treated with DIGNITY!

I was born Herbert McGihon IV, and my male self still answers to that name.

I am both and neither, Androgyne and Shaman.

I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS!

Ive been good!

Obama.

I voted for the man, after a lot of careful thought.

It took a lot of work.  I thought I knew who I would vote for.  I wiffled.  I waffled.  I was unsure.  I feel that I had a choice between two shining futures. 

I'll not hear a bad word on McCain.  The man is a hero.  He believes in us.  He has never been on the side of those who did not listen.  I didn't agree with a lot of things about him, but I respect him.

I just saw his acceptance speech. 

Blessings on our new Pres, and blessings on McCain.  I am proud of them both.

Blessings on us.  And on the World.

All, right.  The GF is bringing up every sin I've ever done.  I'm not even sure what it all has to do with asking her to give me a curtesy call when she leaves the country!

1.  I've been a pussy-  Yeah, I can be a coward.  There are times I should have spoken up in her defence.
2.  I was an ass at a a party.  I stayed long past when I said I would, and this guy had said some mean things to her.  Yeah I'm an ass.
3.  I left to go somewhere.  She was a bit ill.  I offered to stay, she insisted I go.  And I went.  Oops.
4.  I got a bike she gave me stolen
5.  I got arressted for bad driving, while driving her truck
6.  I have had bad flashbacks from when I was abused
7.  I had a complete nervous breakdown
8.  We had broken up, and I slept with someone before we got back together

I keep a damn list of everything I do to people.  Every time someone is kind, every time I'm an ass, all of it!  What do people what from me!?!!?

Rule of three is so true.  I wish the good would come back to me.  why do I have to relive EVERY mistake I make?  why?

And here's what I've done FOR her-

1. Prevented a stalker from attacking her
2. Stayed with her when she had a psychotic reaction to medication, even though she attacked me
3. Done her makeup
4. Held her
5. Waited for her for THREE years
6. Came back aftter I had a nervous breakdown
7. Stayed faithful, even though my bi side is no neglected it's literally driving me crazy
8. Stayed for days at the hospital, multiple times, for the vairous health problems she's had
9. Given advice
10.  Loved her
11.  Cared for her
12.  Stood by her



And I'm an asshole.  She called me so many horrible things over the phone.  I gave up friends for her!  Friends of hers have talken shit about me so many times, and I have said NOTHING!  They treat her badly, and I'm ready to take 'em down!

People keep on wanting me to take one side or another.  One or the other.  All or nothing.  I'm only me.  I can't do this.

I'm going to have another breakdown if this keeps up.  I contacted a friend she dosen't like tonight.  Yeah, that's a bit scorpio, but I need someone to talk to.  I forgot who dependent I am on her for conversation.

Too much of this is going to send me into another breakdown. 

No.  Fuck that.  I'll get through this.  But goddess, does it ever hurt.

Wow, can I screw things up.
I think Ohio may have lost my voter registration again.  AGAIN!  how many times do I have to tell them I moved!?!?  And that I live in Lakewood!  I told them on the change of address form to change over my vote!

Oh, Gods I feel like crap.

Thanx to anyone who reads this and puts up with it.  I'll be seeing my shrink 2-morrow.  We'll see what happens then.

Until then, I'll just hold on.  Pray I think.

Well, there was sleep.  It helped.  The last two days just hit every panic and bipolar nerve at once.  Much, much calmer now.

So many questions.

When I'm a little calmer, we'll see what's what.

So they got arrested.  In Canada.  Apprently Canada and the entire world is in much deeper shit then we, or should I say I, realize.  They destroyed makeup, examined them "physically", and made fun of the GF's meds.

I'm upset about this.  Very.  For a host of reasons.

Yet, my inherent selfishness comes through.  "what about ME?" "why didn't you ask if I wanted to go?" "why didn't you tell me you went?"

A bastard am I.  Maybe I deserive this shit.  Whine selfish whine.  

All of this is just making me all sorts of fucked up.  I'm worried, I'm angry, I'm paranoid, ect...

At least some friends talked me down.

She says she forgot it was Halloween.  That hurts too.  I believe it, which makes it worse.  She KNEW this is my favorite holiday. 

And they just went to Canada.  Why not invite me?  Why not at least TELL me?  She gets mad when I don't check in enough, but now we're "too close" because I got upset that she didn't tell me she was going across the boarder.  WITH A MAN I THINK SHE'S FUCKING.

I called a lot of firends because I got worried, and because I felt screwed over when she vanished without a trace.  Am I a stalker for calling around?  I was worried, and I thought I knew who she was with.  I was right.

And then I find out they wnet through this shit.

Of course, even if they hadn't gotten arrested, they could have spent the whole weekend together, and I would have had no idead where they were.

Gods, so many things are wrong here.  Why am I so fixated on the "left me behind" part?

I'I'm being taken.  I want out of all this.  Whatever this is.  I want to be wrong about all this.

My family makes me paranoid and I get horrible bouts of PTSD.  I'm a coward, an abusier, and I'm being abused.  And I don't want to be alone.  I've lost everything so many times.  do I have to start over again?  Do I have a choice?

She's at his place all the time.  They never invite me to go along.  They never invite me in.  I usually find out she's there when I hear him in the backgroud.  She dosen't call or text when she's there, and dosen't take my calls.  He's actually dropped her off at his place, then told me hshe was tired so he was going to drive ME home.  She lives 5 minuties away from me.  One time, I had a panic, so I went to her place.  She kept telling me to take my time.  P was there.  I'm so FUCKING paranoid.

She still has sex with me, but not as often.  I don't know what that means.

I like him.  I don't want this to be true.

Me,me,me,me,me,me,me.  I should be alone.  I have to make up for my life.  I'm living a crime.

Giant pussy me.  I have really bad bipolar attacks.  This situation is really fucked, it's hitting all my triggers.  I've been shaking and crying all day.  They left me behind again.  To meet a friend of hers.  Why coulden't I meet him? 

Am I stalker?  I don't want to keep tabs, but I like to know when my GF goes on a trip.  Just a curtisey text.  She gets mad when I ask "why couldent' I go?" because it makes her feel guilty.

She was mad that I was upset about the ball we were supposed  to go to.  After all she "never said for sure she was going".  So it was ok to just leave me hanging.

WTF?  I'm so alone. 

*edit*  Friends have talked me down.  I'm ok.  I wont' do anything stupid.




Well, I found out what happened to my GF.  She went to Canada to meet a friend.  Our friend Pat had the car.  Of course, I coudlen't go, just like I'm not allowed in his house.  Been there twice, never been invited in again.  Hell, they've left me behind, driving away together, knowing that I get lonley and I like to hang out with people.

I knew she was thinking about it, but she DIDN'T tell me she was going friday- Haloween is BIG to me!  She didn't even tell me she went.  

And they got arrested on the way back.  Pat had a knife in the car.  A small one.  And the boarder police said they were terrorists.  They just paid bail.  Now they are "suspicious persons".  Can't leave the country, can't ake a plane, subject to arrest at any time!

And neither of them told me.  She's fucking on my back when I dont' cntact her for a few hours, and she cAN'T TELL ME SHE LEFT?!?! This was my holiday!  We had plans!  She didn't tell me for sure when she was going.

But I'll forgive her.  I'm unreasonable if I'm upset.  My place is to the pussy.

I can't live like this  No hope, just another and another day.

I have pills, I  have bridges, I have razors.  Now I just need the guts.

Why is this fucking with me so badly? 

I haven't been able to do anything.  Just watching movies online.  I've become a joke.

I'm that classic failed artist- so screwed up that I'm on disability, so dependent that I can't act on my own, and so self-hating that all my energy is wasted on sabataugeing myself.

Supposed to be my favorite holiday.

It's a day.

Like any other, I stay inside.  I stay lonley, living a life of shit.  A life of can't .

You'd call it giving up.  I call it freedom.

My GF spends more and more time with our(?) friend Patrick.  But I am never invited.  I think she's cheating on me.  The most painful part is that I would be fine if she wanted to be polyamorus.  I've gained a crush on him.  It would be nice.  

But not to be.

Like everything.

I'm not the girl I want to be.  I don't shave anymore.  Why?  Everything is can't.  I can't leave Cleveland, I can't have my GF, I can't have money or a career or sanity.  Not even a job.

I need to be locked up.  I don't often leave this apartment.  why won't they seal me in?  I want them to.

And now I'm just sprweadng the pain.  If I had just done what needed to be, you'd never know.  

I wanted to inspire people.  I wanted to give life to my stories.  I wanted my stories to live in the world.

Don't worry, I'm just crazy, I won't do it.  Too cowardly. 

I'll just fade.  I was a mistake, the God and Goddess will erase my soul when it's over.  nobody deserves evil like me.

I'd leave nothing behind.  I am not to be remembered.  Someone arrange to take care of my cats.

Do what you will with the art.

Bipolar fun fact- I'll be fine tomorrow, so none of this matters.  I just like hurting all of you. Like my grandmother.  Now I'll be paranoid and hurting even more.  PTSD.

If anybody cares, please love my art.  It's innocent of my stain.

:(

...Or something like this post.

Not about Farscape, which is by far(scape) my favorite show.  How many stories, of any medium- let alone television - can make a sit-down family dinner fascinating.  And I mean just DINNER.  No lights, invasions, or violence.  Just folks eating and being themselves around one another.  It's hard to write.  Off the top of my head, only Farscape, mid-run Stargate, and Star Trek (even the bad series) have been able to do this on the sci-fi front.

Which brings me to my current thoughts- what does the society of Star Trek's Federation run on?  They don't have any real money, and no true possessions as we know it.  Heck, religion has become such a personal and private thing that nobody even asks someone else about it unless that person brings it up!

We all know that true socialism\communism dosen't really work.  The human animal needs challenge.  If everyone has exactly the same circumstances, we get sad and lazy.  We bitch about it, but we LIKE the highs and lows of a challenging lifestyle.  Capitalism provides this, but without rules it runs amok.  And really, only a dictator can control it.

So, no money, no open religion, no hatred.  What makes the average Jane\Joe of the Federation get up every day?  Why would they work?  Why do anything when there's no reason to?  Even doing something "because it's there" can only hold intrest so long.

The Federation runs on merit.  You get back what you put into the Federation.  The Federation has a socialist base- everyone has rights to be clothed, to have acess to knowlege, to be fed, and to do as they please, so long as it dosen't hurt somebody else.  (and forget about "mental anguish".  Unless you've been beating your wife or feeding tribbles to the chipper\shredder, you ain't gonna get money 'cause someone else made a mistake that put your panties in a twist)

So what does this mean?  Well, if you want to DO anything in the Federation, you have to work for it.  You get what you give.  You want to open a restauraunt?  Then learn to cook, find or build yourself a place (don't worry, people will help you), and keep it decently clean.  You've earned the right to have that restauraunt.  If you let it sit by the wayside, nobody will come to kick you out.  You'll just be slowly edged out by people who are putting in the effort you aren't.  If you study to be a scientist, then people will recognize your degree.  You may not get the postinf you wan- life's still not fair - but your effort WILL grant you a place on the road to where you want to be.

Wow.  Recogniton simply because you excisted.  Not being forgotten.  The rewards of life comming to you as work for it.  People understanding that they gain merit by helping you gain yours.  You can't be greedy with merit.  You only have as much as you give.  Kind of like love.

.......*........

A society based on the love of all. 


Pointy ears and warp drives are just frosting on the cake.

Rodenberry really WAS a man of vison. 




Oh, and because this was such a solem post, I leave you with this-

Butts. 

Also, poopie.